The Glastonbury Festival is this week! Hurray! We have flown back to the UK especially for it. This will be my 12th Glasto. I go with my Glasto-buddies, Matt, Paul, Chris and John. Over the years we have made some stupid festival mistakes and have refined our festival strategy to the point that we have it pretty spot-on – for us. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I am sharing with you my extensive list of Top Tips. Enjoy!

– Get there on Wednesday at the latest if you want a good place to pitch your tent. Good places include: near the perimeter fence (but not in a field where you have to walk miles), a 3-minute walk away from the toilets (NO closer if you don’t want eau-de-toilet wafting over your tent), a 10-15 minute walk to the stages (close but not too close) and a 5-min walk from a refreshment tent.

– The week before the festival, put your tent up and spray it with waterproof spray. It rains A LOT at Glastonbury.

– Don’t use a 2-wheel trolley to carry your stuff onto the site. It may seem like a good idea but, trust me, it will fall apart before you get there; the ground is too bumpy. People seem to have more luck with the very-sturdily-built 4-wheel variety, but I haven’t tried this.

– Don’t pitch your tent by a walkway – if things turn into a mudfest (which they usually do) a mud-drift builds up against these tents as people walk past, causing parts of them to cave in. Also, pissed people fall into them.

– Don’t pitch your tent on a hill – you’ll have the worst sleep ever.

– Don’t pitch your tent at the bottom of a hill. If it’s a wet one, it could get flooded. Seriously, I’ve seen this happen.

– If you have a young child, NEVER take a pushchair. Don’t even think about it. Use a sling. For older children, I’ve seen people use the sturdy 4-wheel trolleys, lined with blankets etc. But I’ve never tried this.

– Wet wipes – bring loads! I can’t be bothered to queue for the showers but I don’t want to stink, so these are a lifesaver.

– Bring dry shampoo – see point above.

– Wear good quality walking shoes and socks – you will walk miles at Glastonbury, so look after your feet. Walking boots are the most comfortable (though don’t protect you as well from the mud). I wear some good quality wellies and welly socks. Make sure they are worn in. Trainers with carrier bags inside won’t cut it. And no, no, no to converse trainers or flip flops.

– Take a packet of Compeed and use as soon as you feel a blister developing. If you wait too long, it will hurt regardless.

– If you don’t want to get wet when it rains, I recommend wearing the following: knee-high wellies, waterproof trousers, waterproof jacket, bag, poncho over the top to protect bag, baseball cap with big peak to wear under jacket and poncho hood (to direct drops away from running down your neck). Perhaps a brolley. Even then you will probably get wet. Wear shorts not jeans as your legs dry faster. Keep dancing and you won’t care.

– Wear belt purse (not bum bag) under your clothes to keep money/cards safe.

– Do the above and then take all the cash you will need for the whole festival. The queues for the cash machines are MASSIVE. To help you budget, a meal was £7 last year – this year it will probably be £8/£9 since it goes up every year. So that’s £7 for lunch, £7 for dinner, breakfast is usually a bit cheaper, approx £5. If that sounds expensive, bring your own food. Also, there are loads of stalls selling lovely things, so if you like shopping, bring extra cash.

– Bring your own booze. Glass bottles aren’t allowed so decant into plastic/stainless steel ones.

– Bring a few power packs so you don’t have to queue for ages to charge your phone in one of the charging tents. We got ours from Amazon and Maplins.

– If you are a light sleeper (like me) bring ear plugs and an eye mask. At Glasto, people party all night, so if you want some shut-eye, stick the ear plugs in. Also, if you don’t want to wake up when the sun rises, wear an eye mask.

– Right, controversial with my Glasto mates, but if you’re drinking all day you’ll probably need the loo in the night. Not nice having to get up and dressed and walk to the loo in the middle of the night – particularly if it’s raining. So, bring a bucket and bin liners and use as an emergency loo.

– Bring loo roll!

– Buy a tent with a porch. Not only can you put your emergency loo in it, you can keep all your muddy clothes/shoes in it too, away from your dry, clean stuff.

– Bring bin bags – not just for rubbish but muddy shoes/clothes too.

– Ladies, use the She-Pees. They are far more hygienic than normal loos and the queue moves quicker. It may seem weird peeing into a cardboard tube, but just relax and go with it. If you position them correctly they won’t leak. Having said that, I had to have a couple of glasses of wine before I’d use one the first time.

– Go to Shangri-La and Block 9. Even if dance music isn’t your thing, it’s still worth a visit for the surreal atmosphere. It’s extra surreal when you’ve been drinking vodka and coke since midday. Try to get there – or halfway there – before the final acts finish on the Pyramid and Other stages because otherwise you’ll get caught in a scrum.

– Visit the Cider Bus at the left hand-side of the Pyramid stage – the hot spiced cider is to die for.

Things that aren’t essential but will make your life comfier

– Bring a chair if you are going to spend any time sitting around a campfire. The ground will probably be wet.

– A blow-up mattress. We used a roll-mat to lie on for the first few years, but it didn’t cut it because the farmland you are sleeping on has usually been ploughed up and is bumpy.

– Trangia, tea bags and powdered milk – because I don’t do anything until I’ve had a cup of tea in the morning (particularly if I’m hung-over) – and that includes going to the nearest refreshment tent for a cup of tea.

– Skittles vodka – because I love it. There are loads of sites that tell you how to make it. Just take the purple and green ones out first.

Tips for Stupid People

– If you fill a mineral water bottle with neat vodka, remember that it is vodka, not water (It gets increasingly difficult to remember that the more of it you drink). Otherwise you will end up passed out by a walkway with a paramedic leaning over you saying you have a weak pulse. Yes, that was me.

– If you are a tall chap, make sure you aren’t too long for your tent. My friend John spent a Glasto sleeping with his feet poking out because he was a foot too long for his tent.

– Try to remember that you packed your tent away wet the previous year BEFORE you get to the festival. Paul did that and, yes, it was so mouldy and so smelly that he had to take the fly sheet off.

– Don’t get yourself ‘in the mood for Shangri-la’ by drinking 3 litres of 7% cider in an hour then passing out before you’ve left your tent. Like Chris did.

– Don’t get drunk and allow someone to plait your hair so that you look like an elf from Lord of the Rings – and then forget you still have plaits in that make you look like a 5 year-old girl. I’m talking about you, Matt.

That’s it, my pearls of wisdom collected over 11 Glastonburys. And I’m sure there will be more next year.

Have a happy festival!