The Castle Club, one of Ayia Napa’s main clubbing venues – and a place I’d been dying to visit for two years. But would it live up to my expectations?

In 2016 I had my first Girls’ Night Out in Napa. And I loved it! We went from bar to bar, club to club as we moved down the strip – Senior Frog’s, Aruba, the Ambassaden and Car Wash. But there hadn’t been time for the Castle Club and I didn’t get my House moment. It felt like unfinished business.

This time, the trip to Ayia Napa was complicated by babies and young children who, for various reasons, needed to come with us. So we booked the Bella Napa Hotel, a perfectly adequate, basic hotel with a pool and sea views. A family room was £135 – a total rip-off (particularly when you consider that the Acapulco was €110, half board)!! But it was peak clubbing season and the hotel was only a short taxi ride from Ayia Napa Square (where all the clubs are), so I guess they can charge what they like.

We got to Ayia Napa in the afternoon and treated the children to the Mermaid Cruise in Protaras. Happy and hungry, we all went out for dinner at the amazing Hokkaido Japanese restaurant in central Ayia Napa. You sit around little cooking stations where you watch the chefs cook your meal. They put on quite a performance. Cutlery and pots become percussion instruments. A massive omelette snake writhes along the table. The climax is a massive tower of fire.

I thought Goobie would love the culinary dramatics. He was terrified!

We went back to the hotel to get ready for our night out. The chaps got the children to bed while us ladies piled into one room to do hair and make-up. I gave Herc a final feed. I’d pumped milk for a month to cover four bottle feeds – more than enough for our night out.

We didn’t leave until 12.30am, missing out on the free before-midnight entry into the Castle Club. We stepped out of the taxi in Ayia Napa Square, where things were in full swing. Music booming out of clubs and bars, all competing for ear space. Ayia Napa strip is like a clubbing Disneyland, lined with different themed bars, all trying to be the most extravagant. The night sky was lit up with lights of every colour. The atmosphere was eccentric, fun and cheeky.

People offered us drinks deals for various bars and soon we were in Aruba, necking vodka shots. I maintain that Aruba plays some of the best music and, on both occasions I’ve been, had a wonderfully empty dance floor.

We moved on to Kalhua to say hello to my friend Lucy’s cousin who worked behind the bar. Another vodka. I have no idea how much the drinks costed. There were the special offers, people buying rounds. All I know is that the whole evening cost me €60, including taxi and entry into the Castle Club.

Next stop Bedrock Inn, a bar I didn’t get to last time. It was here that I fulfilled an ambition – to dance on the bar outside. The bar with all the gorgeous professional dancers and their sculptured bums. I don’t own a sculptured bum, so I made sure I danced as far away from them as possible.

Then, finally, time for the Castle Club. It cost a tenner to get in – good going considering the club has won six DJ Mag Top 100 Club awards. The Castle Club has five areas: VIP (which I can tell you nothing about), Contemporary Dance, Chill Out, R&B/Hip Hop and House/Techno/Trance. There’s no dress code, which made me love the place before I even went in. I can’t stand pretentious clubs and fakery. As long as the music is great, everyone can dance in their pants for all I care.

Contemporary Dance is the first arena you come to. The music was great but the arena was packed and we didn’t stay long. Behind it and down some steps was the Chill Out arena. It was bathed in blue, like some sort of ice palace.

None of us were in the mood for chilling out, so we headed to the R&B arena on the lower floor. Wowzers! We’d arrived in the heart of the Castle Club. It was a massive hall with a balcony that looked like battlements.

We bought drinks and found a spot to dance. The music and atmosphere was awesome. Almost as awesome was my toenails, which I discovered had been painted with glow-in-the-dark gel. And I just thought it was a pretty shade of green.

Everything became as blurry as my photographs. My friend handed me a balloon at some point. You were supposed to inhale the nitrous oxide inside it. I did and received a 10-second increase in blurriness. And that was that. I laughed. Was that it? Seriously, if you are after that kind of kick, have a baby. In the labour room, you get it on tap, free, for as long as you want! Gas & Air is great!

Then there was the even blurrier minutes/hours (?) spent in front of a massive wall of undulating light on the battlement balcony. I was pretending to be Justin Timberlake. Embarrassing.

And finally, my favourite arena – House. I love House. It’s my absolute favourite music. And a club is my Royal Albert Hall. Particularly when there’s swirly whirly lights and smoke. House isn’t as popular as it once was so the arena was only half full. Brilliant! Loads of room for Serious Dancing.

We danced until 4am and crawled into our hotel rooms at 5am. It was easy finding a cab, though I haven’t a clue how much we paid.

I loved my night out at the Castle Club. It was brilliant. It was surreal. It was fun. If you even vaguely love dance music, GO!