Last night Goobie and I played a brilliant game of hedgehog hide-and-seek in the front garden. We were actually trying to spot our resident black whip and blunt-nosed viper snakes. But they were on holiday. Instead we discovered that our garden is Ayia Napa Square for hedgehogs on the lash.

And we learned a few surprising things about the hedgehogs in Cyprus.

They don’t look like the hedgehogs in the UK

They are cuter, with soft fluffy faces, tanned fur and massive ears. And they are also smaller. Dare I say it, but UK hedgehogs look a tad, well, rougher. That’s what British weather will do to you. Compare:

They are actually two different species. The UK has European hedgehogs and Cyprus has long-eared hedgehogs.

They are really shit at hide-and-seek

The first one we see runs right in front of us on its way to a rave under a streetlamp.

‘Bugger!’ it says when it sees us and runs back in the opposite direction. It hides in front of the garage. In plain view.

‘Shitting hell!’ I hear it mutter when it realises it’s been spotted. It takes off through the side gate and into the back garden. I follow barefooted – and give up two seconds later with five Death Stars in my feet. Death Stars make treading on Lego feel like a foot massage.

Back in the front garden we hear loads of rustling.

‘Snake, Mummy!’ Goobie says excitedly.

‘Nah. Snakes aren’t that rubbish at hiding.’ Which is true, actually. I’ve watched a baby viper weave soundlessly through the hedge in my garden.

No, the source of the noise was another hedgehog. It was snorting Class A soil by the garden wall. And if I thought the previous hedgehog was shit at hide-and-seek, this one was just . . . well, I felt embarrassed for it. It stuck its head in a hole in the garden wall and remained utterly still. Its bum on show for the rest of the world to see.

We sat down and waited patiently for the hedgehog to relax and come out of its hole so we could have a good look at it. While we were waiting, I heard a rustle from behind. I thought it was my cat Elf doing his own bit of hedgehog spotting. But no, it was a third hedgehog, barrelling straight towards us.

‘Mildred!’ it called to its mate, whose head was still in the wall. ‘Gary’s just got in another round. Come on!’

It was just about to walk into us when I heard it squeak ‘Wah! A human arse!’ And it rocketed back across the garden.

I can only assume it was pissed.

Mildred still had her head in the wall, which was becoming a bit boring, so we resumed our snake hunt. More rustling in the neighbour’s garden.

‘Mummy! Another hedgehog!’ Goobie squealed.

There was a fourth hedgehog running around the other side of the wall. It saw us and shot into the hedges to hide. Which of course it was crap at doing because it sounded like an elephant charging around in there. How is it possible for such a small animal to make so much noise?? All three cats came running. One checked out Mildred’s bum by the wall, the others found fairy elephant in the bushes. But one sniff of the hedgehogs’ quills and they quickly gave up the chase.

They have no shame

The other evening, Matt and I were relaxing with a glass of wine on the patio, listening to the waves of the sea in the distance. Suddenly the peace was shattered by all this rustling in the trees behind the pool. I assumed it was the cats playing. But the rustling went on and on FOR AGES. I grabbed a torch and went to check it out. And what I found shocked me to the core.

Humping hedgehogs.

They looked at me like ‘WTF?!’ and reluctantly parted company. I felt bad and offered them a bowl of cat food. But the smell drew all the cats in a 5-mile radius and their evening of love was ruined.

Wikipedia assures me that hedgehog quills do not get in the way of humping. Which I’d just found out anyway.

I shouldn’t have let Goobie touch one

Mildred was so still that Goobie got a good look at her quills and was curious to know what they felt like. So I said he could very gently touch her, making sure not to touch the big tick on her back.

Wikipedia has since told me that long-eared hedgehogs can carry the brown dog tick that can transmit Boutonneuse fever, whatever that is. Oh and they are also naturally prone to parasites and ‘can carry diseases as bad as the plague.’

WHOOPS.

Aside from the plague thing, they are good to have around

If you can cope with the noise, humping and partying, it’s useful to have hedgehogs around. They are insectivores and will help keep down insect populations in your garden. If you’re bothered by scorpions, they eat those too.

And if you like owls, hedgehogs will sort that out for you as well. Owls are partial to a hedgehog burger.

Epilogue

Mildred finally came out of the wall. It turns out that she’s not bothered by torchlight, cameras or humans. She just hates noise.

Bloody hypocrite.

I sat quietly behind the wall, camera perched on the top, torch pointing at Mildred – and waited. A few more cats sniffed her bum. An owl flew out of the eucalyptus tree opposite. But finally stillness. And silence.

Then, very slowly, she takes her beautiful face out of the wall. And poses like a pro for the camera.

Magical.